Jottings By An Employer's Lawyer

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Not Enough Indexes and Statistical Reports For You?

Or do you just need a little relief from the boredom of all the important statistics that actually mean something? Then check out the following indexes suggested in a clever article by WSJ writer Jared Sandberg, Bleeding indicators, other indexes gauge workplace health.

Among the proposed indexes:
Really Gross Domestic Product: One of the most important quarterly measures of a company's performance, this figure gauges increases in output, specifically trash piling up in office garbage cans as a result of janitorial cutbacks.

Perk Deficit: Measures the drastic reduction in available workplace assets, ranging from free food and paper products to office supplies (seasonally adjusted to exclude September's back-to-school theft).

Fudge-It Surplus: This measure of the depth of trouble a company is in is based on the number of times the management insists that it's healthy.

Disposable Personnel Nincompoops: This real-time index gauges the inventory of idiots-on-hand. Applicable to all industries, the DPN measures people's stupidity as indicated by everything from their suggestion-box entries to their PowerPoint presentations.

Bleeding Economic Indicator: Charts the departure of key personnel, giving extra weight to the lameness of a former executive's new job and excuses about wanting to spend more time with the family.

No-Confidence Index: This measure emerged to track the rise and fall of company T-shirt production during an era when a company initiative, product or trade show wasn't an initiative, product or trade show without its own T-shirt.

Underemployment Index: Tracks the number of fliers on the office bulletin board from employees who are seeking to moonlight in order to make ends meet.
And a couple of others thrown in for good measure.

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